Monday, August 15, 2011


For those that have been waiting for a true tale of a small town church, here is the first of 'em:

Disclaimer: These notes are not intended to "bash" the Church or denigrate anyone in particular. I believe in people and I believe in the Church. They are going to be shared point out how far off base our "spirituality can get, both individually and corporately, when we are left to our own devices. And so you can have a little fun. These things really happened and most of them were really funny.

I had just turned 25 when I was asked to come take the helm at a small church in a small town. So small was the Church that I was later informed by the D.S. (District Superintendent, kind of like a Bishop of an area, but more protestanty) that he was all ready to shut down the Church, but then heard that I was coming, so he thought he would just let me hang around for a while. Ask me, I will tell you all the reasons why he wanted to close it down.

My first week or so in, one of the older fellows drops by my office. I knew him, because when I was up in front talking he would let off noises if he agreed or disagreed or wanted me to say something he agreed with or noticed someone did something he didn't agree with.

He always sat in the back and we would all hear loud "haaawwww!"'s and "waaaaacks"'s coming from him at various times in the service.

So, on this day, he comes by and tells me he has a sermon he would like me to deliver. He proceeds to hand me this typed up thing talking how people were hugging in Church and he was just disgusted. He called it fondling when people would hug for more than three seconds and it was filled with all sorts of other nonsense. I think I might still have the document around somewhere, but I am not sure of that.

He then pulls out a fifty and says that he knows my family is short on money since we just moved there and all and he would like to help us out.

"I've just been bribed", I thought.

So, I graciously accepted the bill and proceeded to ignore the entire conversation. I figured he would need to throw quite a few more fifties my way before I repeated anything he said in the paper he handed me.

Before I was able to collect any more of his money, he and his wife left the Church in an angry tizzy and started attending the Baptist Church the next block over.

Since I was friends with the Pastor there, he happily shared with me how he took the time to make sure this old fellow was watching when he gave a hug to some gal in his Church. The fifty dollar fellow then shot the over the shoulder parting salvo of, "I abhor Pastor's who hug." My friend promptly jumped in front of him and said, "Then you need to find a new Church!"

He didn't, but he was quiet from then on out.

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